Dear Hand of Fate,
Please don’t let me end up being a crackpot old lady who shakes her cane at the town council, whining things like, “There outta be a law!” while dragging my pantyhose around my ankles and pinning together the neckline of my chicken print dress because the top button just isn’t high enough for me. Not that I know anyone like that. I’m just sayin’.
Ernestine Haselden, who lives on Railroad Avenue, said the person who lives behind her has four or five “pit bull-type dogs” who charge at her fence “just as hard as they can to get to me.”
She asked council members to consider an ordinance that would ban pit bull-type dogs as well as any other breeds they see fit. She said that if any pets are grandfathered in, the owners should have to hold a $100,000 liability insurance policy on the animals.
Most people living around her are elderly, she said.
“We should be able to live our last years in some sort of peace and tranquility in our own yards, not bothering anybody else,” she said.
Where to begin. OK, in whose judgment are these “four or five” dogs deemed pitbull types? (Sub-question: What is a pitbull type dog?) Can you please describe exactly what you mean when you say they are charging the fence and how is it you’ve determined they are trying to “get to” you? Could it possibly be that these dogs are just saying hello or even welcoming you home? Or perhaps they are guarding their property perimeter and warning you to stay out of their yard? (btw, they used to have a name for those type of dogs – I think they called them GOOD.)
Moving right along, why ask the town council to ban the entire, albeit unspecified, breed? Are these 4 or 5 dogs representative of some conspiracy? Do you think their brethren might be out there somewhere, perhaps in their own fenced yards, working on The Master Plan? And since we’re banning indiscriminatorily, I guess we might as well throw in “any other breeds they see fit”. I mean heck, why not, you don’t want to have to break out the Banning Wand twice in one lifetime.
I got bit by a dog when I was a kid. It was a white German Shepherd – or maybe I should say “German Shepherd type” (I wanna show the council that I’m hip to crackpot old lady lingo). So obviously all those Shepherd types should be banned. My high school friend’s dog always barked at me when I came over to visit. She was a mixed breed. We should prolly ban those types too. There were three Pomeranian types who used to chase me and grab onto my pants legs when I lived in a duplex. Ban. Oh and there’s a big dog who gives me a funny look when I drive past him every morning on the way to work. I don’t know what kind he is but let’s add him to the list. Because I really think that I should be able to drive to work in some kind of peace which obviously I can not achieve with some dog looking at me every morning.
This has got me thinking: Maybe we should ban the owners of these type dogs too. What right does anyone have to keep a pet in their own fenced yard when that dog is free to give me any old look it pleases just because I happen to pass by on my morning commute? This nonsense has got to stop! There outta be a law!
|Address: 1818 US Highway 52|
|P. O. Box 279|
|Scranton, SC 29591|
Scranton’s elected officials:
Mayor Pro Tem Thomas Knotts and Council Members
Florence County Council Chairman K.G. “Rusty” Smith:
Address: P. O. Box 369, Lake City, SC 29560
If you are a resident of Florence County and you want to appear before the council, ya hafta ask in advance:
The written request should be sent to Connie Y. Haselden, Clerk to County Council, 180 N. Irby St., MSC-G, Florence, SC 29501. The request can also be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org or faxed to (843) 665-3042.
By gosh by golly – that last name looks familiar…
Seriously folks, I don’t know a single soul involved in these shenanigans but this good ol’ boy Southern tradition thang ain’t funny. We’re not backwards people here in South Carolina. Most of us are normal, compassionate folks who love pets and love our property rights. Most of us don’t harass our neighbors or threaten them with the Law of Nepotism. We just never seem to make the national news. Now’s our chance. Let’s answer one person’s request for a bad law that has been proven not to work with some polite and respectful voices of reason.