Tired of hearing “What’s for dinner?” every night? Good news – The Company is announcing a breakthrough in nutrition and convenience! What we’ve done is to take some grains, meats* and vegetables – your staple foods, as it were – grind them up, cook them, then extrude the cooked paste through machines which will cough out bite sized nuggets. Then we cook the nuggets some more to harden them and remove any last bits of moisture so they’ll last a long time in your pantry. Since the original staple foods have been so overcooked, they likely have lost many of their nutrients so we then spray a synthetic vitamin-mineral coating on each bite sized nugget to make sure you are not missing out on any essentials.
And there you have it: Healthios! This is the only food you will ever need – for yourself or your family. It doesn’t matter what your age or state of health – this food is complete and balanced for all life stages. In fact, besides water, it’s really best if you do not eat anything else besides these delicious nuggets because doing so will upset the delicate balance of nutrients our team of scientists have worked on for years in formulating this wonderful food. Plus, our scientists are super duper smart. They are the only people qualified to define how to feed human beings. I mean honestly, do you think you are smarter than scientists?
You may be tempted at times to offer your children a piece of broccoli or an apple, especially if they beg. Again, we at The Company must remind you that this is a dangerous practice. Obesity is a national epidemic and by giving snacks or add-ons to their regular food, you are risking your childrens’ lives. Remember, Healthios is carefully formulated (by scientists!) to maintain proper weight, just follow the feeding recommendations on the bag. Also, the addition of fresh foods may upset your child’s digestive tract causing diarrhea and requiring an expensive visit to the doctor!
For those concerned about laboratory testing, rest assured, we are completely opposed to the idea and do not conduct feeding trials of any kind (except of course, that we at The Company all eat Healthios and feed the product to our families). The food is tested via chemical analysis to ensure it meets the minimum requirements (which we made up ourselves on a cocktail napkin one night) necessary to sustain human life. But we’ve gone above and beyond that! We’ve added Super Nutrient Squares (patent pending) to every bag. These Super Nutrient Squares are chock full of healthful, organic ingredients specially designed to promote glowing skin and low stool volume. You’ll notice the difference right away! (Note – please do not contact The Company to inquire about the ingredients of our Super Nutrient Squares as that is proprietary information.)
Give Healthios a try and we think you’ll agree – this untested food made from unknown ingredients is a great time saver. And you’ll never have to worry about whether you are getting the right nutrients in the right amounts – it’s all in the bag. With a name like Healthios, you know it must be good for you!
Healthios – the only food. (registered trademark)
*”Meats” are generally mammals but please do not contact The Company requesting specifics – it’s proprietary information.