Press Release: Healthios

Tired of hearing “What’s for dinner?” every night?  Good news – The Company is announcing a breakthrough in nutrition and convenience! What we’ve done is to take some grains, meats* and vegetables – your staple foods, as it were – grind them up, cook them, then extrude the cooked paste through machines which will cough out bite sized nuggets.  Then we cook the nuggets some more to harden them and remove any last bits of moisture so they’ll last a long time in your pantry.  Since the original staple foods have been so overcooked, they likely have lost many of their nutrients so we then spray a synthetic vitamin-mineral coating on each bite sized nugget to make sure you are not missing out on any essentials.

And there you have it:  Healthios!  This is the only food you will ever need – for yourself or your family.  It doesn’t matter what your age or state of health – this food is complete and balanced for all life stages.  In fact, besides water, it’s really best if you do not eat anything else besides these delicious nuggets because doing so will upset the delicate balance of nutrients our team of scientists have worked on for years in formulating this wonderful food.  Plus, our scientists are super duper smart.  They are the only people qualified to define how to feed human beings.  I mean honestly, do you think you are smarter than scientists?

You may be tempted at times to offer your children a piece of broccoli or an apple, especially if they beg.  Again, we at The Company must remind you that this is a dangerous practice.  Obesity is a national epidemic and by giving snacks or add-ons to their regular food, you are risking your childrens’ lives.  Remember, Healthios is carefully formulated (by scientists!) to maintain proper weight, just follow the feeding recommendations on the bag.  Also, the addition of fresh foods may upset your child’s digestive tract causing diarrhea and requiring an expensive visit to the doctor!

For those concerned about laboratory testing, rest assured, we are completely opposed to the idea and do not conduct feeding trials of any kind (except of course, that we at The Company all eat Healthios and feed the product to our families).  The food is tested via chemical analysis to ensure it meets the minimum requirements (which we made up ourselves on a cocktail napkin one night) necessary to sustain human life.  But we’ve gone above and beyond that!  We’ve added Super Nutrient Squares (patent pending) to every bag.  These Super Nutrient Squares are chock full of healthful, organic ingredients specially designed to promote glowing skin and low stool volume.  You’ll notice the difference right away!  (Note – please do not contact The Company to inquire about the ingredients of our Super Nutrient Squares as that is proprietary information.)

Give Healthios a try and we think you’ll agree – this untested food made from unknown ingredients is a great time saver.  And you’ll never have to worry about whether you are getting the right nutrients in the right amounts – it’s all in the bag.  With a name like Healthios, you know it must be good for you!

Healthios – the only food. (registered trademark)

*”Meats” are generally mammals but please do not contact The Company requesting specifics – it’s proprietary information.

17 thoughts on “Press Release: Healthios

  1. Indeed Jan, we will feature photos of happy families eating meat, potatoes and vegetable dinners so as to highlight what it is consumers will be freed from in purchasing our product!

    -The Company

  2. At last! Now I’ll never again have to worry about what to buy for meals. The decisions are just too overwhelming.

    Does this food include craving suppressants to keep me from wanting to eat real food when I see or smell it?

    1. Miz,

      We understand it can be difficult to turn away from real food when faced with its enticing aroma and appearance. But it’s up to you to be strong and remember that giving in to your unnatural cravings could lead to serious health problems or even death! Our motto around here is: You don’t know what’s good for you – but our scientists do!

      -The Company

  3. “…brought to you by Soylent red and Soylent yellow, high energy vegetable concentrates, and new, delicious, Soylent green. The miracle food of high-energy plankton gathered from the oceans of the world.”

    1. We’ve recently modified the name of the ocean plankton gathered from the Gulf of Mexico to Soylent Sheen. We’ll be using Soylent Green for another exciting nutrient rich product!

      -The Company

  4. Love it! And I am very intrigued by the idea of lowering my stool volume. So where can I buy some??

    1. Indeed, many consumers are thrilled at the prospect of lower stool volume. Not only is it a time saving convenience but it also illustrates how much nutrition you get from Healthios – hardly any waste! The nutrients literally glue themselves to your digestive tract for lifelong health benefits. Healthios is available at all fine retail outlets.

      -The Company

  5. Dear The Company –

    Will you be marketing an ‘organic’ or ‘natural’ version of Healthios?

    Because I really try to only eat foods that say ‘organic’ on the label. I also like it if you put lots of pictures of green leaves on the label, and maybe a recycling symbol. That makes me feel like I’m saving the planet.

    1. Carol, We are delighted to tell you that “All Natural Healthios Made in Grandma’s Vermont Farm Kitchen Just Like It Was 100 Years Ago” will be available very soon. It is a “green”, “organic” version of regular Healthios in a bag made from at least .1% recycled packaging. A portion of our profits from sale of this product will go toward saving the whales and the rainforest and baby seals – those ones with the big brown eyes. While we understand it may be challenging for families to spend more for this version of Healthios in a tough economy, we want to assure you it’s a worthy investment. Besides, you don’t want baby seal blood on your hands, do you?

      – The Company

  6. You seem to have inadvertently omitted the Delta smelt, the snail darter and the kangaroo rat…species that we in California consider more important than humans. Are you discriminating on the basis of their lacking big brown eyes?

    1. With what we’ll be charging for this food Jan, there’ll be *plenty* to go around – even enough for the Dealtit Smeltit.

      -The Company

    2. I live very close to the Delta smelt, and I thought that they were now extinct despite all the environmentalist lawsuits to keep them alive. Doesn’t this mean that when a species wants to extinguish itself, it will succeed despite the interference of humans?

      Or maybe The Company has used the last of the smelt as one of their secret ingredients. If this is true, can we trust that The Company won’t substitute a lesser ingredient without notice?

      1. You can trust us!
        Also: Please do not contact The Company about any substitution of ingredients as that is proprietary information.

        -The Company

  7. Honestly, when I was in law school and always stressed out and in a time-crunch, my friends and I would fantasize about inventing just this sort of long-lasting, ready-to-eat foodsource. Real food was either too time-consuming or too expensive. All we wanted was something to give us enough energy so that we could keep studying, damnit! Thankfully, I’m not in law school anymore.

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