I Want My Puppet Regime!

All this time, I’ve been typing away, trying to steer advocates toward step-by-step guides about reforming your local pound.  I’ve sent you here and there in hopes of motivating you to take on the challenging work of bringing change to your community.  Of course I know it’s a daunting prospect and all of you have full lives already.

But today, good news!  The ASPCA, that bastion of compassion, laid it all out for us on their website yesterday – and it’s easy!  The ASPCA quickly removed the online documents describing no kill advocates as “extremists” but as most of us know, there is no such thing as buying up every paper in town these days.  Once online, forever online.

And so it is with the ASPCA doc “The Tactics of the Extremist Agenda“, thanks to crazy people who saved the docs after the ASPCA began promoting them yesterday morning.  So thankfully we can all still read ASPCA’s guide to creating change.  Valerie has written a lengthy post on the subject so please go there to read the docs in all their glory.  But the Reader’s Digest version of the ASPCA’s description of how we operate is this:

  1. Find some schmuck to go around shrieking “No kill!” down at city hall.
  2. Single out the people who kill pets at your local pound and call them names.
  3. Install a “Puppet Regime”.

It’s so simple, even a filthy rich hypocrite could do it.  So no more excuses people – go out there and install your Puppet Regimes.  Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast!

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15 Comments

  1. No Kill Conference 2017
    As in the previous 2 years, the No Kill Conference 2017 will be held again in Mess Hall A12, High Security Detention Building 5 on Guantanamo Bay. Inmates Winograd and Clinton will be handing out home made veggie sandwiches and peach tea before the keynote speech. A request made by Winograd and Clinton earlier to hold the event outside in “Tent City” amongst the other 368,000 high security inmates was denied by the GBASPCA (Guantanamo Bay ASPCA). The GBSPCA took over security operations at Guantanamo Bay after the successfull nationwide operation “Kill the Messenger”. More than 250,000 extremists were arrested across the United States within 24 hours and shipped to Guantanamo Bay.

    In other unrelated news, ASPCA President & CEO Eddie Salvage thanked in a Press Conference friends and supporters for the generous birthday gift he received last month in form of a working 1/10 scale model of a gas chamber. Salvage stated that he would like to introduce the working 1/10 scale model to every Elementary School in the US. Salvage continued saying that the suffering of animals is part of our culture and should be understood early on.

    Reply
    • md5

       /  November 13, 2011

      I know that some things are supposed to get funnier with repetition, but this comment hasn’t been even vaguely amusing or intelligent on any of the sites you’ve posted it.

      Reply
  2. mikken

     /  November 9, 2011

    Points for the Red Dwarf reference!

    Reply
  3. Daniela

     /  November 9, 2011

    I read the documents yesterday and I find it very funny that they mention cities by name – like Austin – and then have the bullet point “when they fail”. Because Austin was such a big failure that the ASPCA was trying to take credit for it. Maybe this is Bizzaro world.

    Reply
  4. Additional points for the Underpants Gnomes link.

    Reply
    • heh, now that we’re all getting Puppet Regimes for Xmas, I’ll have plenty of spare time to blog about Underpants Gnomes, Ace Rimmer and other heroes of television.

      Reply
  5. Eucritta

     /  November 9, 2011

    I’m amused that while the most inflammatory of the originally linked articles has been removed, the majority still available are about managing the crisis when bad news about your organization hits social media.

    Evidently, it’s all about message management to the ASPCA. Color me surprised!

    Or not. Yeah, definitely not.

    Cripes, though, I do wish sometimes that these folks would stop lowering themselves to my expectations and shock me senseless with their wisdom and compassion every once in a while. What a world that would be.

    Reply
    • I think they left up the docs about what to do when bad news about your org hits social media because they needed to re-read them last night.

      Reply
      • Eucritta

         /  November 9, 2011

        Yeah.

        Mind, being called an extremist made me feel young for a bit there. I don’t think I’ve been so nicely insulted since the 70s!

      • I’m holding out for “terrorist”. C’mon ASPCA, I know you’ll come through.

  6. I reject your puppet regime. I am interested only in puppy regimes.

    Reply
    • I had a foster dog named regime. He got adopted. But he wasn’t a puppy, so I spoze you wouldn’t have been interested anyway.

      Reply
  7. Can I be The Extremist Agenda as an individual person? Or am I the Proxy?

    On my Distaste for Fraudulent Organizations Scale, I’ve always rated the HSUS as 10 out of 10 and the ASPCA as a lesser evil, sometimes a 7 out of 10. Today it may now join the ranks of the Pacelle Party and be in good company.

    Although my free speech rights in my local battle are limited to due my occupation, the First Amendment is a fave of mine. I’ve lived in foreign countries to protect it, worn Army Avon, put up with some serious crappola at the behest of Uncle Sam, all for the sake of our societal values and beliefs. I guess I get a little more wound up than some at what I perceive to be broken in our society and at those who would take those freedoms I sacrificed for and try to paint them as something ugly and shameful.

    The American public is better than the death rate which persists in our cities and counties. And the American public deserves to know that the very organizations which put themselves forth as champions for Spot and Fluffy are anything but that.

    If we go to Gitmo together, I may have to change my name to Winston Smith.

    Reply
  8. ezbuddy

     /  November 13, 2011

    Now I have been offended by ASPCA. I wasn’t expecting that.

    Reply
  9. Remember when it was okay to smoke in public buildings? (Maybe not – you have to be pretty old…but it’s true.) The non-smokers kept chipping away at the smokers and standing up for their rights. The non-smokers said, “Well, what about our rights?” In the end, public opinion made smokers’ right non-existent. Public opinion will also make organizations like ASPCA, PETA and HSUS either non-existent or totally changed entities. What they’ve just done is an attack that needs to be made broadly public with a complete explanation of just who it is they’ve attacked and all the reasons they will say it is necessary to maintain the status quo. This action really couldn’t be worse for them. They are publicly telling organizations how to defend their killing of animals. Tisk, tisk.

    Reply

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